Just Be Here With Me

Sorry guys this is a longer, more open post

A quote my sister sent me back in September of 2019. I was lost, down, and full of self doubt, living in their downstairs bedroom. Overthinking where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do, I closed myself off to a lot of things that year. Partly due to a relationship I had gotten out of the previous winter and couldn’t let go of, partly due to move out west I had bailed on. Questions raced through my mind over and over again. From January 2019 to the end of that August I smoked weed everyday to numb those questions and my broken heart. September rolled around and I noticed myself having crazy anxiety, something I hadn’t had before, my heart and mind had not healed either. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. The weed only fogged everything out, I hadn’t allowed myself the time to heal. So September I stopped it, self reflected on those months, changed my habits and things got better. My sister was a huge help in the months she let me live with her and Travis, as she has been our whole life together. We had many good talks, she reminded me to remain present, take things one day at a time and don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I later got that quote tattooed below my knee as a reminder to remain in the moment, as the future doesn’t exist yet. Though it means many things about the people in my life.

October came and I moved in with a friend, things started to look up for the first time in along time. He doesn’t know it but he played a big role in helping me come out of my downward spiral. Going to the gym, a good surf trip and some arepas(amazing Venezuelan food) will do that. Although my headspace had changed for the better I still had lots of work to do, still do and always will. The feeling of living out west hadn’t gone away and living with regret isn’t an option for me. I’d rather try and fail than not do something at all. So in March I started hunting for seasonal work. I applied for work in California, Utah, Arizona, Oregon, Washington, Montana and lastly Idaho. I actually had a wedding photography job in Utah but COVID happened and killed that gig. Late March I received a call from Jesse from the Sawtooth lodge in Idaho, he told me the job was filled but people bail and he might give a call in April. Well April came and he asked if I wanted the job, I absolutely did and I’ve been here living in a camper in the mountains since June. Basically as far away from my comfort zone as I could get. I needed it, and I needed this experience to rebuild and heal myself fully again. When I reflect to where I was physically and mentally last year it amazes me how much has changed. A change of scenery can cause a massive shift and heal a person if you let it. My biggest takeaway is I’ve learned to heal and let go again, I feel full of life again, not saying I don’t have my bad days, but its not over and over again like it was.

It’s been over 4 months since I’ve been home, surprisingly it’s been somewhat easy. It’s funny when this journey started back home I remember telling my family and friends I’d be back mid August. But soon after being out here I knew that wouldn’t be the case. All the cool people I’ve met, all the hikes I haven’t done, the rivers I haven’t surfed and fished yet, I’m not done, and I don’t feel home is calling me back yet. Though there are a couple things that might lure me back there in the future. I wrote a book out here and I hope to put something out in the future. ( If anyone knows anything about putting one out let me know!) How do you leave something that’s been so healthy for you? My answer is you don’t, keep on that path as long as its working.

My plan was to stay till October, drive back home, visit, gather a few belongings then come back to Boise. Back in early September I broke that plan and tried to live in Montana. I had a cool job chinking cabins and housing lined up. Before and being in Montana the universe was telling me this isn’t going to work. I didn’t listen and went for it, but after meeting a very rude roommate who wouldn’t shake my hand due to this whole COVID thing, and a few other things, I had the signs I needed and I packed my things and drove back to Idaho. Driving back I was super bummed out with myself that I had taken a few steps back on this journey of mine. I felt I had failed. It was a drive full of internal questions, ultimately I was so glad to be back In Grandjean, Idaho, the place where I’ve grown the most. Back with some awesome people. At the moment I think Idaho is the place for me, but everything changes. Home became somewhat stale for me, even though I do miss the beach, surfing and my family. Boise is the next big challenge. My journey in the mountains is over and I’m back to my original plan. back where I started in may, a hotel room in Boise, writing.thursday I pick my mum up from the airport and we’re driving back to Ocean City. I’ll relax. Repack, gather my winter gear then head back west.( Or I could want to stay home, who knows) Ive got to find some places on the Oregon coast to surf on the weekends or I might go insane haha. I couldn’t be more psyched to drive across country with my mom, I know this will be a trip I’ll never forget.

Cheers guys

Some photos from September in Idaho

Something About Hiking And Pizza

I got an unexpected text from my friend Eddie July 1st saying he was heading to Montana from San Diego then down to see me. I was so stoked to see some familiar faces out here. I hadn’t seen them in 3yrs, but every time we meet up we just pick up right where we left off. Eddie, Howland, Byard, Lanae and the dogs Hudson and OB pulled up to the sawtooth lodge the following Wednesday around 9pm. Somewhere along the bumpy road in a rock must of punctured his camper tire. He was the third camper that week that pulled in with a flat tire. He backs the camper up into his spot Before the tire looses all its air, unloads the quads, a dirt bike and they’re set. They had been in the car all day so I recommenced we go up to the geothermal pool and chill out. It really doesn’t get much better than catching up with your friends, In a hot spring fed pool under the stars. With no light pollution around, the night sky is unreal out here. millions of Stars. They were stoked and so  was I. I couldn’t believe how much the kids had grown. It was great hanging with them over the next few days and catching up. I switched shifts with jessie so I could have off a day while they were here. 

Friday morning we left camp at 8 and headed up to the iron creek trail head near Stanley to hike to alpine lake, a smaller lake on the way to sawtooth lake. We went to the store and picked up some snacks for the hike, then off we went. The hike wasn’t too strenuous until the end. We also had 7yr old Lanae hiking with us and in vans. What a charger she was. We made it up and over this pass and there was this beautifully colored alpine lake. Immediately I handed Eddie a beer, we did it. We sat for a few minutes drank our beers and ate some food. We moved to another part of the lake to fish. We didn’t catch anything but it was just amazing to be up there and take it all it. It’s really humbling and makes you feel so small.
 We hung there for a few hours then hiked back down for pizza, the hike back was way easier, and to me felt faster. Most of the hikes out here I’m gaining elevation the whole hike up so it’s a bit slower. We were all relieved to see the trailhead, what a beautiful hike that was everyone crushed it, a little under 8 miles round trip. Off to pizza at papa brunees in Stanley. I ate a small pizza by myself and Eddie and the kids split one up. There’s something about pizza after a good hike that just makes sense. We headed back to camp and hopped in the geothermal pool later that night, our legs were thanking us for that one. The next few days we had some campfires, hung out, rode dirt bikes, quads and went down to Sacajawea hot springs. Eddie is one of the best guys I know, full of patience,  a great dad and you can see it in his kids. I’m so glad I was able to spend time with them. After this job I might be tripping down to San Diego to hang with them again, they’re a fun bunch to be around and I’m looking forward to it.

one of my favorite things I took from them was in 2014, 2017, and now 2020, they all ask each other “what was the best part of your day?” Lanae asked me one night At dinner and I said hanging with you guys again. So ask yourself, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whoever it is, what was the best part of your day?

Fly Boys

Justin and I both had a day off together so we cruised up to Stanley, about a 45min drive up the highway to do some fishing. He wanted to try this spot out he had scoped out last time he was up there. Off we went, I trailed behind him, my truck is a bit slow going up these mountains roads. We stop at the market to grab some snacks and drinks, Yerba maté have become my favorite so I grab 2. The fishing spot is right up the road near a dispersed camp site. What a beauty of a spot. It’s way down the hill off some rock flats, we couldn’t ask for a better day. We hike down this loose gravel/dirt cliff, cross over to the little island and start casting. Just lands 4 fish within 15 min. 3 rainbow trout and 1 bull trout, it took me a couple hours to land 1 rainbow. Fly fishing is tricky and I still have so much to learn, using the correct flies, casting properly. It truly is an art and is so beautiful when done right. But I landed my first trout and was so excited, we both compare it to surfing, a quick rush. But the fish are beautiful out here, so many colors and spots, and for how small they can be, they put up a good fight. I think flounder picked out 20 rocks from the river, he was having a great time too. Afterwards we celebrated with some pizza up in Stanley, made some calls to our family then headed down to bull trout lake. It was late in the day but we wanted to check that out for our next adventure. 
We’ve had earthquakes almost everyday, Travis and I were out in the meadow one afternoon and everything just started shaking, we heard a Little Rock slide behind us up in the mountains. It’s pretty unsettling feeling the earth beneath me shake and shake around, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.

till next time!

a few random photos recently


A Psychedelic Place

Today’s is my 23rd day of being at the sawtooth lodge. How time does fly, I’m reading a book called “The art of racing in the rain” and I wanted to take a quick pause and write my self.  I kind of don’t want this to end, I’ve met so many cool people so far and made some great friends. It’s amazing how much we all really have in common when you push aside all the negativity the news and social media puts in our face 24/7.maybe that’s the best part of being up here, I really don’t see any of that, or I’ve stopped paying attention. Justin my camper mate is a surfer from Santa Cruz, CA. we both have a lot in common, music, fishing, hiking, hot springs and obviously surfing, he’s a good dude and it’s been a blast hanging with him. Two surfers,one from the west and I from the East, who would of thought we’d both be in the mountains. He loves flounder and takes him on adventures when I’m working. Everyone up here brings something different to the table and it’s really cool learning something from each one. I’ve been getting a lot of “you’re from Maryland? How did you find this place? I’ve lived in Idaho my whole life and never heard of it”. I found this place on YouTube after watching a video about it, looked it up on Instagram, saw they were hiring and made up a resume and somehow I landed the job. 

    The other day a guy came in bought coffee and said “ I have a secret………...I’m tripping on acid” Justin and I  looked at each other wide eyed and tried really hard to not laugh. The conversation was short, we basically said “right on haha you’re in a great place for that enjoy your time”, It was too funny. Then 2 days later a woman came in and was asking me questions about the milkshakes, she wanted to make sure we still made them because in a couple weeks her and her friends were going to be camping up the road  “eating mushrooms and tripping balls”  she wanted to make sure they could come get some. Laughing I told her “right on it’s a beautiful place for that and we’ll have your milkshakes”, and on her way she went. It got even better, after work that day Meg and I took the dirt bikes out exploring some side roads, we rode down one and who do we see, mushroom lady and her other hippy friend dancing out in a meadow. I was cracking up under my helmet we both turned around rode out laughing and yelled “that was mushroom lady!!”. 

    It’s funny living in this little camper, it’s actually pretty sweet and all I need. I sleep in my sleeping bag every night, it’s rated for 21 degrees so it’s pretty toasty. Flounder curls up next to me for warmth, and I normally cover him with his blanket. Our heater broke so we we’ve been using Justin’s little buddy heater to hear the place. We’ve had snow, heavy rain and wind, and earthquakes almost everyday, had a 3.9 on the scale last night. I’ve lost track of time and days up here and I’m absolutely fine with that. I feel that’s how a life should be, as in the moment as one can be. I’ve learned a lot so far, from fly fishing, riding a dirt bike, helping flounder cross rushing rivers, some sign language, catching snakes, helping run the lodge. These 23 days  have been the biggest learning lesson in my 27yrs and I’m ready for more, all my fears have dissolved into the river beside me. 

Opening Day, Chainsaws and Dirt Bikes

From june 12. day one the lodge is open. Our peaceful little place in the mountains is now full of campers. I start the shift at 7am with Jesse, meg, RJ and manager, his name is Jesse too. My duties for the day are clean the pool, move tree rounds from the downed tree in the meadow over to the log splitter then cut it into firewood. RJ drives the bobcat over to the downed tree in the meadow and I put these monster rounds onto the loader. I haven’t used a chainsaw in a few years or a bigger one at that but once you’ve used one, you can kind of figure them all out.having a good one out here makes cutting wood a hell of a lot easier. RJ is deaf so working with him was challenging at first but he has an incredible sense of humor, and a lot of patience trying to understand my version of sign language. RJ is from Texas, he was a bull rider, bull wrestler, former backcountry guide, and many more things. he’s knows a lot and has stories for days. Also for being deaf he’s quite a talker/typer. He lost his hearing when he was 3yrs old so can speak a little bit. I’m super excited to work more with him, he’s a smart guy and I’m sure I’ll learn a lot. It’s crazy going from working with 2-3 other people for the past few years to working with a bunch more you don’t know from other parts of the country and learning how to problem solve with them. It’s something that had become dull in me but now feels alive again. 

Meg has a Honda crf 150, a killer dirt bike. The first day she was here I told her I wanted to ride but never have before, she said she’d teach me and today was that day. Jesse also has a dirt bike, a big husqvarna, not sure of the model, but she was down to help me learn too. So they both taught me the basics starting, throttle, clutch, shifting and down shifting. It took me a few tries, but they seemed confident in me so they asked if I wanted to go on a trail ride. a little hesitant at first but I said hell yeah let’s go,  Jesse and Travis have 2 bikes here so I rode megs, meg rode jesses and Jesse rode Travis’s it worked out perfect.  So after about a 30 min lesson they took me on a killer 20 mile trail ride, shewwww. What a ride, along the mountains, looking down at the river, through old burned forests, blazing around, I loved it. A couple squirrelly moments but I didn’t really have any problems, it was all about the feeling. We stopped at the end of the trail, Jesse and meg said “ did you ever think in your life 2 girls would be teaching to ride a dirt bike” I laughed and said  “ never ever haha I still can’t believe I’m out here”. Ended the day with a huckleberry milkshake and a tiny shower where I’m a head taller than the shower head. Get out and do something uncomfortable, you’ll love it. 

Here’s some random phone shots from behind it all 

Solitude, Soggy Feet, and Snow

Well Justin, Flounder and I got on the trail at about 8:30am and didn’t get back to camp until 3:30pm. Our intentions were to hike up to trail trail lakes and trout fish, we’ve heard the fishing is really good up there. It’s about a 4hr hike with 3000ft of elevation gain the whole way up. Most of the hike was switchbacks up the mountain with 4 river/creek crossings. This was flounders first serious hike and it was definitely difficult. Parts of the trail were overgrown and it was really rocky for majority of the way.
I attached bells to myself and flounder to warn any wildlife that lies ahead that we were coming through.our first river crossing was a little difficult as the water was flowing pretty fast from the snow melt, flounder was hesitant but I held him close to me and we safely crossed. We’re definitely out in bear country, a lot of bushes one could definitely be catching a nap in, Justin claps to make some noise, we both are also hiking with bear spray just in case. The next river crossing has a narrow log, I try to walk it and slip off, now my boots are soaked and we still have another 2hrs or so, plus the hike back. I said to Justin “it feel like I’m hiking in wetsuit booties”(he’s a surfer too so he understood what I meant). it was definitely not EasY doing the remainder of the hike with wet boots, socks and feet, my feet turned into prunes real quick. At one point Justin laughed and said “this is actually a difficult hike” I said “yeah I went on the alltrails app this morning and it’s rated just that, basically a black diamond hike” we both laughed and kept going up.
The higher we go the more snow we start to see. Finally we’re almost at the top and the trail disappears under the snow. We keep going because we really want to fish these alpine lakes. We’re now hiking on no trail on top of snow we don’t know how deep is anymore.up the side of a very steep mountain, we start slipping and sliding, I had to unleash flounder so he could better plant himself hiking up. It got to the point where we both looked at each other and felt this was starting to become really unsafe, we both have cold wet feet and we’re out here just us 3, hours away from camp. So we called it, hiked back down to big rock overlooking the valley and ate our lunch, most likely the lakes were still frozen or covered in snow.we’ll give it a few more weeks then try again. Although we didn’t get to fish up there, the hike was a challenge for all of us and I couldn’t be more proud of flounder. At 8yrs old he hung in there the whole time not slowing down once, he absolutely loved it. I’m so stoked to share these memories with him, 12 miles, 3000ft elevation gain, 4 river crossings, day 10 in the sawtooths

Welcome to the Sawtooth’s

Today Flounder and I left Boise and headed to the sawtooth lodge, north of Boise about 2hrs. Another beautiful drive out here, it’s hard to keep my eyes on the road. We arrived and turned off onto a washboard dirt road “oh no what did I just get myself into” I thought. The road is very bumpy and if something doesn’t fall off the underside of my truck by the end of it I’ll be surprised. My truck is kicking up all kinds of dust and my gps says “you’ve arrived” but I don’t see a lodge or the sawtooth mountains. So I keep driving a bit, and the trees clear and it opens up. Now I know I’m here, the mountains are beautiful and sharp. What a road in, still very rough too. Finally I pull in and meet some of the guys, they’re busy checking the property out so Andrea, Jesse’s wife gives me the lowdown and walks me around. This place is beautiful I keep thinking to myself. They show me to my camper it’s a nice 20-30ft jayco, way nicer than I expected. I definitely overpacked for this trip. after unpacking flounder and I walk up the road to sacajawea hot springs, there’s about 20 pools you can build or pick one to sit in. The water comes out at about 160 degrees so you have to make the perfect pool with the right amount of cold from the river. Flounder without any hesitation hops in one and bolts out, I touched it with my hand and it was scolding hot. I don’t know how he didn’t burn his pads. We found a nicer temperature one and he was fine.
Back at the camper I’m alone for the night. My little bit of self doubt creeps in. Will I like this? What am I doing this for? Is this too much stress for flounder? I’m a surfer why the hell am i in the mountains? I pushed these thoughts aside went up to the geothermal pool with flounder around sunset which is 930pm (10pm is about dark) here and soaked in the mountains and the warm water. As uncomfortable as this was at first, it now feels so right and I couldn’t feel more at home. So we’ll be up here for a while, everyday is a big day for flounder and I.

Words from day 1

Before I Go To The Edge Of Wilderness

Well Flounder and I arrived in Boise Friday afternoon, and what a drive that was. We slept in the back of my truck in Illinois and Wyoming. This was my 7th time driving across country and 3rd with him. He’s a great travel partner, doesn’t mind my metal music, rap, or whatever I feel like playing. This time he actually slept a lot. The first night in the truck I could feel he was confused as I parked in spot right next to highway, truckers flying by like jets made me a bit uneasy but I needed to rest. Those 15hrs of my eyes looking at the road had worn on me. The next night in Wyoming was quiet, cold and peaceful, and the rest stop was further off the highway. It was a very easy drive, not many cars on the road and gas was cheap, Loves is my preferred gas station. Clean and nice, one even had a dog park.

It’s crazy where your mind can go while driving long distances alone, dark memories and good, way into the future and way into the past. A few times in the past i’ve bailed due to my self doubt. But this time was different, I was ready and charged it. I had a psychedelic experience a few months ago and it was the best experience for me (nothing how its portrayed in movies). But more like a healing process for my mind, like a reset, I couldn’t think about the past or the future no matter how hard I tried, it was all about now and being as present as possible. Now I know people can have bad experiences but I went into it with a good head space and it’s helped my perspective since then , remaining in the now. Thats how I was driving this time, just enjoying the journey, absorbing it all, where as in the past I freaked about the future, this time I didn’t and its been amazing.

Tomorrow Flounder and I drive up to the Sawtooth lodge in Grandjean Idaho for 2 and half months where i’ll be working and embracing what the mountains and rivers have to offer. I purchased a fly fishing set up and i’m so excited to give that a go. I was going to get a mountain bike but Flounder probably couldn’t come with me so I chose the other as he already loves fishing back home. I don’t know what i’d do without him, probably wouldn’t have taken this job, we’ve had so many adventures these past 5yrs and so far this one takes the cake. Being able to spend all this time with him has been the best and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Anyways I won’t have much cell service up there but i’m going to write and take tons of pictures and post whenever I can, till then...adios.

We’re right where we’re supposed to be.

Happy To Be Here

It’s crazy today is my dog Flounders birthday, he’s 7 now. I always wanted to write about him because there’s a story behind him. It was 2015 and I just gotten back from a cross country trip with the girl I was dating at the time. We had talked briefly about getting a dog, but me being young and wanting to travel more I didn’t want a dog that would hold me back. I caved and Flounder entered our lives. He was given up at the young age of 3 because his owners new girlfriend didn’t want him anymore, previously his name was Luke and he belonged to the young man and another girl, once they had broken up he was supposed to give him back to the girl, he didn’t and instead got a new girlfriend and she didn’t like him, so they dropped him at Caroline county humane society, he was only there a week until we were approved to adopt him. He is a yellow lab and golden retriever mix, who wouldn’t want that dog?

He’s the best mix of dogs in my opinion. But after getting him I wasn’t skeptical at all about having a dog, I Instanstly fell in love him. He was my new adventure friend and would go everywhere with me. I remember one of the first nights we had him he was humping his blanket and his red rocket got stuck out, he was crying and couldn’t move. It was super funny but sad and messed up. So I embarrassingly called the vet and asked about it, she said that it was normal and to get some dish gloves and put coconut oil or olive on it and push it back up. Beyond embarrassed I did, and just like that he was fine and wiggling away. It’s happened many more times since then, he just doesn’t learn. That girl and I only dated for another month. I kept him and promised myself I would never abandon him. Since 2015 we’ve driven and camped across country in the middle of January, very cold and I wouldn’t recommend that month, been through love and heartbreak. At one point I didn’t want a dog at all, I wasn’t ready at all and now that’s It’s been 4 yeas and I look back on all these photos I can’t imagine him not being there, he was the best accident ever. I’ve seen him come out of his shell and be comfortable with me, he’s the kindest soul and I love him more than anything in the world. I don’t know what i’d do with out him. I never would have thought a dog I wasn’t ready for would impact me so much.