Sorry guys this is a longer, more open post
A quote my sister sent me back in September of 2019. I was lost, down, and full of self doubt, living in their downstairs bedroom. Overthinking where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do, I closed myself off to a lot of things that year. Partly due to a relationship I had gotten out of the previous winter and couldn’t let go of, partly due to move out west I had bailed on. Questions raced through my mind over and over again. From January 2019 to the end of that August I smoked weed everyday to numb those questions and my broken heart. September rolled around and I noticed myself having crazy anxiety, something I hadn’t had before, my heart and mind had not healed either. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. The weed only fogged everything out, I hadn’t allowed myself the time to heal. So September I stopped it, self reflected on those months, changed my habits and things got better. My sister was a huge help in the months she let me live with her and Travis, as she has been our whole life together. We had many good talks, she reminded me to remain present, take things one day at a time and don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I later got that quote tattooed below my knee as a reminder to remain in the moment, as the future doesn’t exist yet. Though it means many things about the people in my life.
October came and I moved in with a friend, things started to look up for the first time in along time. He doesn’t know it but he played a big role in helping me come out of my downward spiral. Going to the gym, a good surf trip and some arepas(amazing Venezuelan food) will do that. Although my headspace had changed for the better I still had lots of work to do, still do and always will. The feeling of living out west hadn’t gone away and living with regret isn’t an option for me. I’d rather try and fail than not do something at all. So in March I started hunting for seasonal work. I applied for work in California, Utah, Arizona, Oregon, Washington, Montana and lastly Idaho. I actually had a wedding photography job in Utah but COVID happened and killed that gig. Late March I received a call from Jesse from the Sawtooth lodge in Idaho, he told me the job was filled but people bail and he might give a call in April. Well April came and he asked if I wanted the job, I absolutely did and I’ve been here living in a camper in the mountains since June. Basically as far away from my comfort zone as I could get. I needed it, and I needed this experience to rebuild and heal myself fully again. When I reflect to where I was physically and mentally last year it amazes me how much has changed. A change of scenery can cause a massive shift and heal a person if you let it. My biggest takeaway is I’ve learned to heal and let go again, I feel full of life again, not saying I don’t have my bad days, but its not over and over again like it was.
It’s been over 4 months since I’ve been home, surprisingly it’s been somewhat easy. It’s funny when this journey started back home I remember telling my family and friends I’d be back mid August. But soon after being out here I knew that wouldn’t be the case. All the cool people I’ve met, all the hikes I haven’t done, the rivers I haven’t surfed and fished yet, I’m not done, and I don’t feel home is calling me back yet. Though there are a couple things that might lure me back there in the future. I wrote a book out here and I hope to put something out in the future. ( If anyone knows anything about putting one out let me know!) How do you leave something that’s been so healthy for you? My answer is you don’t, keep on that path as long as its working.
My plan was to stay till October, drive back home, visit, gather a few belongings then come back to Boise. Back in early September I broke that plan and tried to live in Montana. I had a cool job chinking cabins and housing lined up. Before and being in Montana the universe was telling me this isn’t going to work. I didn’t listen and went for it, but after meeting a very rude roommate who wouldn’t shake my hand due to this whole COVID thing, and a few other things, I had the signs I needed and I packed my things and drove back to Idaho. Driving back I was super bummed out with myself that I had taken a few steps back on this journey of mine. I felt I had failed. It was a drive full of internal questions, ultimately I was so glad to be back In Grandjean, Idaho, the place where I’ve grown the most. Back with some awesome people. At the moment I think Idaho is the place for me, but everything changes. Home became somewhat stale for me, even though I do miss the beach, surfing and my family. Boise is the next big challenge. My journey in the mountains is over and I’m back to my original plan. back where I started in may, a hotel room in Boise, writing.thursday I pick my mum up from the airport and we’re driving back to Ocean City. I’ll relax. Repack, gather my winter gear then head back west.( Or I could want to stay home, who knows) Ive got to find some places on the Oregon coast to surf on the weekends or I might go insane haha. I couldn’t be more psyched to drive across country with my mom, I know this will be a trip I’ll never forget.
Cheers guys
Some photos from September in Idaho
